Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. ~Gloria Naylor

Jealousy.  a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

My jealousy stems from relationships.  Past relationships. Not lover relationships, either.  Parental.


I see how close a father and daughter are.  I'm jealous.  I photograph weddings.  Hands down- hardest part of the day for me? Father/daughter dance.  And please don't go playing some sappy daddy loves his daughter song because it's just not professional to cry while trying to capture a beautiful moment for a client.


You've probably read how I've recently made contact with my biological father.  His daughter and son. They are wonderful people.  I find myself with so many questions. Why hasn't this happened earlier?  Why did life keep us apart?  Why was this daughter and son more important than THIS daughter?  Was I not good enough?  Were you too busy, and HOW could an innocent CHILD not be an ultimate priority?  In my life, in my decisions, having children of my own, no way would I ever NOT be in constant contact with my child.  No matter the situation.  Never ever would I not have a solid relationship with them.  I'm not saying in any way that I think this man I call by his first name is a bad person.  I think he's great.  I just know there are things I do not know, situations I'll probably never know.  Doesn't mean I'll ever understand.  Or that I'm not jealous.  Jealous of their closeness, jealous of the daddy daughter love, jealous that he's been there for her, jealous that she'll get to dance with him during the sappy song.


Wish I had someone to call Daddy.


and I'm jealous that she does.

Where does the time go?

It seems like yesterday. I remember the nausea feeling every morning that week. Went home for lunch on Friday with a pregnancy test purchased at the grocery gossip store here in town. Hoping I had the results before the entire town knew. Did my thing and was so completely excited I immediately called Justin. I just couldn't hold it until he got home that night!!

In one month he'll be 5. My baby will be 5. As I watched him walk into the school today all by his big boy self, I just wonder where the time has gone. We're already half way thru his preschool year and in September he will start Kindergarten. Kindergarten! I thought Colby was just in Kindergarten!?! Which brings me to another teary eyed thought. Colby is already 8.. and a half. In September, he will turn 9 and begin 3rd grade. My first born. We push them so hard to talk and walk and be independent, then it's bittersweet once they do. We'd be sad if they didn't grow, I just wonder why they have to grow so fast.

Two Thousand One

That year was a very emotional one for me. I'm a firm believer of my past creating the person I've become, I just wish God would have taken it a little easier on me that year.

Ten years ago, I was engaged, betrayed, broken, I lost a few friends, & gained a new love (well, 2 new loves). It was a year of broken promises. It was the end of me as I knew it, the beginning of what would become an amazing life.

The proposal-Valentines Day. The ring was gorgeous, it promised me a nice life, with nice things. Was it possible for me to exchange my needs, myself, my soul? With him, I was empty. He had changed, he promised he had changed. I said yes, only to go down that same road with him as I had so many other drunken nights. A ring didn't change his cheating or abusive ways. Lesson learned. Finally.

Summer-I moved into a new house with my best friend. With my engagement now off, and her recent separation from a boyfriend, we were ready to have some fun!! Those were the nights I can't remember, & friends I'll never forget.

Kelly and I had some pretty amazing times in our little house. Met a lot of new people, made a lot of friends. Our friendship had grown stronger than it had ever been. You see, Kelly and I have a lot of history. We were roommates before, we leaned on each other thru everything- boy problems, money problems, parent problems, you name it. I was her rock, she was mine. Yes, we fought. We had disagreements. We were honest with each other and worked it out. I could not imagine her not being in my life. I always thought when I had children, she would be "Aunt" Kelly. She was my very BEST friend. Ever.

Little did I know, my best friend ever, would break my heart into a million pieces...

Then, there was this guy. He lived across the street from my mom and Kraige. He was cute, drove a nice truck and always had dry cleaning on Fridays. Yes, I was.. let's just say.. observant. He had a sticker on his back window that said "show me your boobies"- seriously? What kind of over confident, asshole puts a sticker like that on his truck? Anyway, my mom kept mentioning that he was a nice guy, despite the sticker, and asked me if I minded that she gave him my phone numbers. I figured, what the hell... Little did I know, that guy.. with the repulsive sticker.. would be the love of my life. After our first date, we couldn't get enough of each other. He was pretty amazing. I still needed "approval" from Kelly. She loved him, thought he was one of those guys that every girl wants. More than a lover.

The End- of the year, of a friendship, of me as I knew it.

My life was turned upside down. It's December and "I'm late" Yes, girls, we all know what that means. This guy, the one that I speak of being so great? Well he proved himself that day. He showed me how much he did love me, that there are good guys out there.

Coming from a broken, more like fractured home life, that was the last thing I wanted to bring a child into. This baby would have stability. A home, one home. Justin and I decided that we would move in together. Either my house until the lease was up, or find another place. It was all up to Kelly- what she needed, if she had another roommate, if she could afford it alone. She didn't quite take it as I had hoped. Again, knowing her past, I thought she would be proud of our decision to create a "normal" home environment for our baby, I thought she would congratulate me. She yelled. "Biggest mistake you've ever made" "He'll leave you and the baby" ... on and on. She yelled the meanest, most hurtful things I've ever heard come out of someones mouth. It was hate I saw in her that day. My best friend- she hated me for my decision to put my baby first. Hate. It's pretty powerful.

So, there I was. She broke my heart that day. Changed the locks MY house and we never spoke again. That's how my very best friend ever, tore me down to nothing.

In the end, she was wrong. He didn't leave me. He loved me- loves me still. I was strong enough to finally stand up for what I believed was the right thing to do for myself and this new life I was bringing into the world. Through all that, the loss, the heartbreak, the hurt- I had risen above. I found a man that loved me with all his heart. He's the best father and husband and with all the hurt, I wouldn't change a thing.

A new year

It's a new year and a new beginning.

It's my year, 2011::

I will smile more..laugh often.

I will follow the Golden Rule :: Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.

I will say I'm sorry.

I will compliment.

I will read more.

I will listen, really listen.

I will hug more.

I will have more fun.

I will eat more vegetables.

I will be a better friend.

I will give myself a break.

I will say thank you.

I will appreciate.

I will think more about you, less about me.

I will save.

I will have more faith.

I will forgive.

Most of all, I will forget.

These are my goals for 2011. What are yours?

ABC's of Me

*** Remember to share your links with me so I can learn more about you!***

A. Are you a PC or a Mac? PC, Never used a MAC, but have heard lots of pros and cons
B. Best current show on TV: hmm.. I'd have to say Desperate Housewives

C. Chore you hate: LAUNDRY!!!
D. Dogs or Cats? Dogs I love, but we have a cat

E. Essential "start the day" item: Shower

F. Favorite color? Blue
G. Gold or Silver: Silver for sure H. Height: 5.4
I. Instruments you play: I played the Viola in 4-5th grade.. does that count??
J. Job: Stay at home mom, wife, and photographer

K. Kids: 2 boys, 4 and 8
L. Living Arrangements: Small house in a small town

M. Mom's Name: Debbie

N. Nickname: Mama, Mom, Mommie

O. Overnight Hospital Stay: When the boys were born via C-Sections

P. Pet Peeve: Liars, bad drivers, whiners, backstabbers...

Q. Quote from a movie: Karen: I can't go out.[fakes cough]Karen: I'm sick.Regina: Boo, you whore.
R. Righty or Lefty? Righty
S. Siblings? A younger brother and sister

T. TV Shows:Desperate Housewives, CSI- any and all of them, Criminal Minds, Greys, Private Practice, Bachelor, Bad Girls Club, Snapped, America's Next Top Model
U. Underwear: VS
V. Veggie you dislike: Spinich and Onions
W. Ways/reasons you are late: I like to sleep until the last possible minute and then rush around
X. Expiration dates – do you keep or toss? Depends, probably toss

Y. Yummy food you make: Ham and cheesy potato soup

Z. Zoo animals you like: Penguins

Marriage

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

{senior tips)

First of all, try ot avoid stripes and plaid prints!! Solids photograph much better! With today's fashion of bold patterns and lots of color, don't be afraid to wear 1 or 2 trendy outfits. Just don't do all of your outfits that way! Also bring a variety of color. Don't bring 5 blue outfits, even if your favorite color is blue. Avoid clothing that has wording on it except for your own school logo. Vary the style of your outfits. All one look (like tanks) gets boring. Vary the dress level also. Bring some dressy, some dressy-casual, and some casual. Remember, it is best to do 1 or 2 outfits that mom likes. Then we can do the stuff YOU like.
Our new sessions let you do unlimited looks within your time period. This means if you change fast, then you get more variety. Spend all day in the dressing room, your will have less time in front of the camera. Most people can do 3-4 outfits per hour. Bring double the amount of outfits that you think we will use. This way we have more variety to pick from for your session.
Forget the nylons! They are a hassle! Plus, they will not show in your portraits. So there is no reason to bring them.
Some shots are close up, others are full length. Plan your outfits completely. It is hard to do a full length formal in your dress if all you brought were flip flops and old tennis shoes. Bare feet are always an option also.
Group your outfits together ON HANGERS. It is amazing how many people come in with their clothes stuffed in a plastic bag and wonder why they are wrinkled! Make sure they are ironed before your session. For quick touch-ups, you may want to bring wrinkle releaser spray products.

Sandy Puc

Went to an amazing seminar this weekend. If any photographers out there have not seen her, it's a must see! All the work she does for charity is amazing. There are so many changes she inspired me to make- both personal and business.

We received a free month to Sam's World University which has great ideas- templates, brushes and so much more! I loved her because she doesn't consider another photographer as competition, but as a friend. She welcomes it and teaches you how to market yourself, the use of lighting, set up of studios, even how to deal with those adorable little children :) She covered so much in a few hours, our heads were spinning when we left!

Sandy's seminar was very inspirational and I look forward to putting my ideas to work with SaraMac, my long time friend and fellow photographer. I look forward to our brainstorming meetings and the charity events we plan together. Sandy Puc started shooting in her home and look where she is now. Everyone has to start somewhere.

All I want for Christmas..

My friend got one of these for Christmas and loves it.. I think it's what I'm buying with my Christmas money this year :) Check it out!!

http://joby.com/gorillapod

I love you..

Ladies!!! I know we are not even thru Christmas yet, but it's time to start booking Valentines Day sessions!!! I know, I know.. it's so early!!! BUT.. let's get those sessions scheduled. Come enjoy a little studio time with the girls, get comfortable and let's take some awesome photos for that hubby! What better gift to him than an awesome photo album of.. YOU!!

Wordless Wednesday

The Wooden Bowl

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now,
a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do something about father,' said the son.
'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you
But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,
your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

And my boys..

They are growing up fast. Zaner is in preschool and learns more and more everyday. He's loosing his little New Yorkan accent and talking like a grown up boy :( Colby is loosing more and more teeth week by week, getting taller, acting all grown up. It's a proud day and a sad day for a mom around here. At least the little one still calls me mommy :)

Skater, guitar playing senior

Thanks for Phillip and going along with my crazy places I made him pose :) He was a good sport.. and I can't take all the credit as he had a few ideas for himself!

Shame on me..

I've completely let my blog go over the last few months! I promise to keep up with it more in the future... I've also missed out on all my friends' blogs!! So much to read up on now.

Life is good.. been super busy with photography and that's my excuse anyway :) It's now time for a little vacation!

Christmas shopping is DONE, photo orders are IN, Christmas Cards are OUT :) That pretty much completes my small list this year.

But before I leave my small and sweet blog for tonite, I'm posting some of my faves from a few shoots this week :] Just one of my most favorite little boys that I get to spend time with every day!