Monday, March 28, 2011

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. ~Gloria Naylor

Jealousy.  a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as angersadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

My jealousy stems from relationships.  Past relationships. Not lover relationships, either.  Parental.

I see how close a father and daughter are.  I'm jealous.  I photograph weddings.  Hands down- hardest part of the day for me? Father/daughter dance.  And please don't go playing some sappy daddy loves his daughter song because it's just not professional to cry while trying to capture a beautiful moment for a client.

You've probably read how I've recently made contact with my biological father.  His daughter and son. They are wonderful people.  I find myself with so many questions. Why hasn't this happened earlier?  Why did life keep us apart?  Why was this daughter and son more important than THIS daughter?  Was I not good enough?  Were you too busy, and HOW could an innocent CHILD not be an ultimate priority?  In my life, in my decisions, having children of my own, no way would I ever NOT be in constant contact with my child.  No matter the situation.  Never ever would I not have a solid relationship with them.  I'm not saying in any way that I think this man I call by his first name is a bad person.  I think he's great.  I just know there are things I do not know, situations I'll probably never know.  Doesn't mean I'll ever understand.  Or that I'm not jealous.  Jealous of their closeness, jealous of the daddy daughter love, jealous that he's been there for her, jealous that she'll get to dance with him during the sappy song.

Wish I had someone to call Daddy.

and I'm jealous that she does.

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