Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. ~Gloria Naylor

Jealousy.  a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

My jealousy stems from relationships.  Past relationships. Not lover relationships, either.  Parental.


I see how close a father and daughter are.  I'm jealous.  I photograph weddings.  Hands down- hardest part of the day for me? Father/daughter dance.  And please don't go playing some sappy daddy loves his daughter song because it's just not professional to cry while trying to capture a beautiful moment for a client.


You've probably read how I've recently made contact with my biological father.  His daughter and son. They are wonderful people.  I find myself with so many questions. Why hasn't this happened earlier?  Why did life keep us apart?  Why was this daughter and son more important than THIS daughter?  Was I not good enough?  Were you too busy, and HOW could an innocent CHILD not be an ultimate priority?  In my life, in my decisions, having children of my own, no way would I ever NOT be in constant contact with my child.  No matter the situation.  Never ever would I not have a solid relationship with them.  I'm not saying in any way that I think this man I call by his first name is a bad person.  I think he's great.  I just know there are things I do not know, situations I'll probably never know.  Doesn't mean I'll ever understand.  Or that I'm not jealous.  Jealous of their closeness, jealous of the daddy daughter love, jealous that he's been there for her, jealous that she'll get to dance with him during the sappy song.


Wish I had someone to call Daddy.


and I'm jealous that she does.

Where does the time go?

It seems like yesterday. I remember the nausea feeling every morning that week. Went home for lunch on Friday with a pregnancy test purchased at the grocery gossip store here in town. Hoping I had the results before the entire town knew. Did my thing and was so completely excited I immediately called Justin. I just couldn't hold it until he got home that night!!

In one month he'll be 5. My baby will be 5. As I watched him walk into the school today all by his big boy self, I just wonder where the time has gone. We're already half way thru his preschool year and in September he will start Kindergarten. Kindergarten! I thought Colby was just in Kindergarten!?! Which brings me to another teary eyed thought. Colby is already 8.. and a half. In September, he will turn 9 and begin 3rd grade. My first born. We push them so hard to talk and walk and be independent, then it's bittersweet once they do. We'd be sad if they didn't grow, I just wonder why they have to grow so fast.

Two Thousand One

That year was a very emotional one for me. I'm a firm believer of my past creating the person I've become, I just wish God would have taken it a little easier on me that year.

Ten years ago, I was engaged, betrayed, broken, I lost a few friends, & gained a new love (well, 2 new loves). It was a year of broken promises. It was the end of me as I knew it, the beginning of what would become an amazing life.

The proposal-Valentines Day. The ring was gorgeous, it promised me a nice life, with nice things. Was it possible for me to exchange my needs, myself, my soul? With him, I was empty. He had changed, he promised he had changed. I said yes, only to go down that same road with him as I had so many other drunken nights. A ring didn't change his cheating or abusive ways. Lesson learned. Finally.

Summer-I moved into a new house with my best friend. With my engagement now off, and her recent separation from a boyfriend, we were ready to have some fun!! Those were the nights I can't remember, & friends I'll never forget.

Kelly and I had some pretty amazing times in our little house. Met a lot of new people, made a lot of friends. Our friendship had grown stronger than it had ever been. You see, Kelly and I have a lot of history. We were roommates before, we leaned on each other thru everything- boy problems, money problems, parent problems, you name it. I was her rock, she was mine. Yes, we fought. We had disagreements. We were honest with each other and worked it out. I could not imagine her not being in my life. I always thought when I had children, she would be "Aunt" Kelly. She was my very BEST friend. Ever.

Little did I know, my best friend ever, would break my heart into a million pieces...

Then, there was this guy. He lived across the street from my mom and Kraige. He was cute, drove a nice truck and always had dry cleaning on Fridays. Yes, I was.. let's just say.. observant. He had a sticker on his back window that said "show me your boobies"- seriously? What kind of over confident, asshole puts a sticker like that on his truck? Anyway, my mom kept mentioning that he was a nice guy, despite the sticker, and asked me if I minded that she gave him my phone numbers. I figured, what the hell... Little did I know, that guy.. with the repulsive sticker.. would be the love of my life. After our first date, we couldn't get enough of each other. He was pretty amazing. I still needed "approval" from Kelly. She loved him, thought he was one of those guys that every girl wants. More than a lover.

The End- of the year, of a friendship, of me as I knew it.

My life was turned upside down. It's December and "I'm late" Yes, girls, we all know what that means. This guy, the one that I speak of being so great? Well he proved himself that day. He showed me how much he did love me, that there are good guys out there.

Coming from a broken, more like fractured home life, that was the last thing I wanted to bring a child into. This baby would have stability. A home, one home. Justin and I decided that we would move in together. Either my house until the lease was up, or find another place. It was all up to Kelly- what she needed, if she had another roommate, if she could afford it alone. She didn't quite take it as I had hoped. Again, knowing her past, I thought she would be proud of our decision to create a "normal" home environment for our baby, I thought she would congratulate me. She yelled. "Biggest mistake you've ever made" "He'll leave you and the baby" ... on and on. She yelled the meanest, most hurtful things I've ever heard come out of someones mouth. It was hate I saw in her that day. My best friend- she hated me for my decision to put my baby first. Hate. It's pretty powerful.

So, there I was. She broke my heart that day. Changed the locks MY house and we never spoke again. That's how my very best friend ever, tore me down to nothing.

In the end, she was wrong. He didn't leave me. He loved me- loves me still. I was strong enough to finally stand up for what I believed was the right thing to do for myself and this new life I was bringing into the world. Through all that, the loss, the heartbreak, the hurt- I had risen above. I found a man that loved me with all his heart. He's the best father and husband and with all the hurt, I wouldn't change a thing.

A new year

It's a new year and a new beginning.

It's my year, 2011::

I will smile more..laugh often.

I will follow the Golden Rule :: Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.

I will say I'm sorry.

I will compliment.

I will read more.

I will listen, really listen.

I will hug more.

I will have more fun.

I will eat more vegetables.

I will be a better friend.

I will give myself a break.

I will say thank you.

I will appreciate.

I will think more about you, less about me.

I will save.

I will have more faith.

I will forgive.

Most of all, I will forget.

These are my goals for 2011. What are yours?